he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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