My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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