there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
