i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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