Small penises have feelings too.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
