He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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