I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
