is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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