I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
