This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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