Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
