i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He passed out mid-signature
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
