Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
