Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
