is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
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You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
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Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.