True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.