I can text with my tongue
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.