My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?