My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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