he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????