so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years