after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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