was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
