do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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