why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
