2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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