Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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