I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
