Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
