we're making bets on your personal life
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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