i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
