Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
