I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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