How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
