So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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