hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
