You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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