what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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