I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
