GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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