Swine flu. Run for my life!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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