wat bout pragnant strippers??
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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