with your own penis?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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