From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
