Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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