life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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