the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
