I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
