I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
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He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
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If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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