i already hear my dad disowning me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
