the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
