Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Randomize
