So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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