I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
