the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
