i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
