just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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