Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
