Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
