I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
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You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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