i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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