Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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