How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
