Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
