I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
